i wish i was a better sister to allie. shes always been so good to me. she knew i lied when i had a break down and i should have told her the truth.

i never really got over my assault. i blame myself because i had the power to stop it and i didnt. i knew i deserved it. i wanted to tell her so badly that i was not okay but i didnt because i refuse to open up.

i wish i was strong enough to report him. but i was so ashamed and no one cared that it happened. i felt like they didnt believe me. because he didnt rape me it didnt happen.

i also regret seeing all the guys i did. i just let them take parts of me until there was nothing left. now im an empty shell.

im mad i let ashley go. he was the only person i ever felt i could rely on. but im glad he found his way and has the support he needs. i dont want to drag him down any further.

im starting to realize i have no friends. everything is on the surface, nothing penetrates deeper than that. all the friends i cared about went away because of me and the people im around now make me feel worse. its like ive been ignoring everything that matters for so long, two years in fact, that now my eyes are opened and i can see it all. i cant stop seeing it. im so disappointed in myself. my family deserves someone so much better. my friends dont need me. im worthless and i provide nothing for this earth. all i do is waste space and spend money. i feel guilty all the time for how much money my parents spend on me, and its wasting away because im not good at anything. i will never be good at anything because i never try. ive been stuck for years and havent tried moving and its no ones fault but my own. i deserve to die. why havent i been punished?? i just want to go away forever and stop feeling this awful all the time. i am a burden to everyone and myself. i hate me. i hate me i hate me i hate me. there is no one to talk to. ive lost everything because im a terrible person that doesnt put anything valuable into friendships or relationships and im tired of failing. im so sorry world, i let you down.